London- Despite decades of research and millions of pounds of funding, climate scientists around the UK are throwing in the towel. At a press conference held this morning in London, the Union of Climate Change Scientists announced that climate change “is far too complex”. Dr. Var Mielberg of Imperial College stated, “while we gave it our best, we have nearly unanimously decided that we are bored of climate change and feel funding should go toward more exciting projects”. When asked what type of work was more deserving than that of climate science Mielberg responded, “here at Imperial we quite like LASER’s. We would like more funding for LASER’s and also magnets”.
It was a curious site at the UCCS headquarters in central london, where hundreds of researchers, consultants and government departments seemed jubilant at the notion that they could finally end their work on climate change. Seth Jacobs, a project manager at the Department for Energy and Climate Change confided, “for years we pretended like we knew what was happening, writing policy, deleting it and then re-writing. Today I feel as though we have finally dealt with climate change appropriately.” When asked if he thought climate change would remain a lingering problem Jacobs added, “yes, probably. But it doesn’t have to be our problem, we’re an island nation afterall.”