Electric vehicles not ‘obese friendly’

Mississippi- In Jefferson county, the fattest region of the fattest state in America, local residence are open about what they like and dislike.  At the local Southern Baptist church a sign reads, ‘All  those who seek Jesus welcomed, except gays’.  In a region full of gun stores, Wal-Marts and burger joints, it would seem unlikely that a major automotive vehicle company would come here to test launch a range of electric vehicles (EV’s).  “When we engineered the vehicles, we built them strong and light for maximum efficiency.  Our 4-door vehicle can carry 5 normal sized adults” said Be-EV CEO Timothy Green, emphasising the word ‘normal’.  “Unfortunately, our company, based in Europe, defined normal by European standards 15 years ago.  The current American living in Mississippi is almost 7 times that value”.

The results of the test deployment, which was meant to run over 12 months, were so shocking to company executives that the programme was ended in just 2 weeks.  Bobby ‘Bud’ Vaughn, a participant in the programme said, “they gave me a free car so I was like, well hells yea.  But when I drove the thing, the car dragged on the ground-like and the battery all died after half an hour”.  Wiping gravy stains off his white T-shirt Vaghn plainly stated, “them cars is shit”.

In light of the study, which had similar results from all 25 vehicle participants, EV manufacturers may now choose  to install warning labels with recommended weight limits.  However, in the US one group has already threatened legal action. The Fat and Obese Organisation for Development or FOOD, recently published on their website, “transportation should not be weight dependant.  Large people should have the same rights and access as people half or even an eighth their size.”  While EV manufacturers have yet to respond to this action, at least one senior engineer of EV’s despairingly said, “I have 25 years experience doing this, but I just don’t know how to accommodate such weight.  Our computer models don’t even respond to such parameters, and the vehicular destruction from the trials in Mississippi were, well, they were unrecognisable.  Chassis were cracked, sweat had short circuited 6 onboard computers, and nearly all had the stench of feces, pork and coca-cola”.

For now, most of those living in Jefferson county don’t seem to mind that electric vehicles might be unavailable to them.  As vaughn sloppily chuckled, “Them ‘EV whatever cars is for gays.  All’s I need is my truck and my pork”.

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