Providence – In a stunning show of sacrilege and secular arrogance, the Rhode Island House of Representatives passed a bill to legalize same-sex marriage, despite the will of Christ. Calls from conservatives across the state to block the bill in the Senate are now pouring in to protect this last bastion of non-heretical marriage law in the North East.
“This is not about what people do in their own homes,” commented Jim Lorrel, a priest from the parish of Cranston. “This is about good catholics losing their priority with God. These actions [same-sex marriage] go noticed, and I believe Rhode Islanders will see their prayer request wait times skyrocket.” Retribution from God has been a top fear of Parish leaders across the state, with #RIprayerwaittimes trending briefly on Rhode Island twitter feeds.
This isn’t the first time the Rhode Island House has attempted to force such anti-christian legislation. Bills have been introduced in the House every year since 1997. Mark Durham, head of the One Man One Woman movement in Rhode Island explained, “We’ve defeated these bills with good old-fashioned prayer and out-of-state money for over a decade, but I can see our priority with the Lord is waning. We’ll do our best in the Senate, but if the gays have their way, all I can say is at least I have been watching plenty of Doomsday Preppers.”
Senate Judiciary Committee is expected to take up the bill this spring.