Eroding Wall in the North Blamed for Continued Winter Weather

Map of the original wall dating 3,000 - 4,000 B.C.

Map of the original Wall dating 3,000 – 4,000 B.C.

London – With temperatures hovering just above freezing and nighttime frosts delaying the planting of crops, pressure has been building on Downing Street to investigate whether or not the continued cold snap is related to known failings in the northern Wall.  The Wall, which runs for nearly 300 miles, has separated the lower realm from the land beyond for millennia  and is believed to be the primary regulator in winter and summer weather.  The Meteorological Office’s Chief Scientist Graham Levie refers to the Wall, as “Britain’s most critical tool in combating climate change and promoting natural weather cycles.”

Despite this, the Wall has fallen into disrepair as maintenance budgets have been continually slashed over the last few centuries and the importance of the Wall forgotten during the long periods of reasonable weather and successful economic growth.  Original construction of the Wall is thought to have started nearly 8,000 years ago, with many successive contributions made since then.  Constructed mostly of ice, the Wall is known to have once stood over 700 feet tall.  Today, scientists calculate the height of the wall at 280-315 feet tall at it’s heighest point.  “It is a shadow of it’s former self, caused by significant melting during the warmer years,” said Levie.

While scientists have not yet confirmed the exact causes of the continued cold weather plaguing much of the kingdom, they are confident it is primarily due to frigid air pouring over the once mighty Wall.

Emily Epstein, a climate researcher from Oxford knowledgeable on Wall related weather patterns stated, “It’s simple to see.  The Wall has melted to half its previous height and cold air from the north now easily comes over and is cooling down lands to the south.  The Night’s Watch [The National Wall Maintenance Service] has clearly failed us and I expect years of winter weather to beset the nation going forward.”

It’s unclear how long the cold weather will last, though predictions range wildly from several more days up to 8-years.  During the Prime Minister’s Question Time Wednesday, when asked about the nation’s preparedness for a long and enduring winter, David Cameron answered, “I don’t expect winter to carry on much longer.  But if it does, we have experts in the north who have endured long winters before to guide us.  In any event, we will shift greater resources up to the Wall to repair it and to reorganise the failing Nights Watch, such that it can continue to perform the services it ought to.”

Weather across the country continues to be grey and freezing, with snow forecasted across the south and windy winter conditions in the midlands and the north.

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