City Drivers Agree, Cycling Infractions Should Be Punishable By Death

London – A recent study of urban motorists finds that most agree that cycling infractions should be punishable by death. 92% of drivers felt that cyclists were a social plague, and 88% felt that being plowed down by a large vehicle was an appropriate response to weaving in traffic. Just over 90% believed that rolling through a stop sign warranted vehicular manslaughter.

“I’m not surprised by the response,” said Arnold Gerber, a daily car commuter in central London. “You see those cyclists up front by the red lights, and sometimes they pull off before it turns green. I just want to run them over when I see that.” Gerber’s comments capture the sentiments of most urban drivers, especially taxi and livery vehicles.

Thomas Willgrove, a delivery van driver said, “I’ve side swiped three cyclist and pretty sure I maimed one of them real good. Us delivery guys play this game – you get 10 points for a light hit, 25 if you break something, and 50 if you really run them over. I only have 45 points, but some of my mates who drive bigger trucks have loads!” Despite this, most drivers agreed, that when not in their vehicles, they had little view on cycling in the city.

“When I’m walking, I don’t even notice those guys – but when I’m in my Fiat, I just feel like I need to enforce traffic laws with the front of my car – or at least roll down my window and yell wildly at the bastards,” said Gerber, getting emotional. The Mayors office has yet to comment on the study, but it is expected that additionally safety measures such as painting portions of busy roadways slightly different colours, will help ensure the safety of urban cyclists.