Greenpeace Activists Seek Arctic, Climb London’s Shard Instead

111111111London – At least 6 female activists are currently climbing London’s Shard in an attempt to save the Arctic from destruction by oil and gas drilling. The activists, who are thought to not fully understand that the Shard is a massive man-made structure in central London, intended to scale the building in order to protect the fragile Arctic environment. London police commented that, “We believe it is possible that the activist have become confused as to what is at the top of the Shard, perhaps from reading Jack and the Bean stalk or from too much exposure to the Harry Potter novels. It remains unclear.”

The Arctic, which has long been located at the northern most part of the planet, has been the subject of numerous climbing activities by Greenpeace, though rarely on location. Describing today’s heroic climb, the organisation stated, “If Shell, BP, Total and all the other oil and gas companies that intend to destroy the Arctic can’t hear us from down here at street level, they sure as shit will hear us from 310m up that mountain of glass!”

Eroding Wall in the North Blamed for Continued Winter Weather

Map of the original wall dating 3,000 - 4,000 B.C.

Map of the original Wall dating 3,000 – 4,000 B.C.

London – With temperatures hovering just above freezing and nighttime frosts delaying the planting of crops, pressure has been building on Downing Street to investigate whether or not the continued cold snap is related to known failings in the northern Wall.  The Wall, which runs for nearly 300 miles, has separated the lower realm from the land beyond for millennia  and is believed to be the primary regulator in winter and summer weather.  The Meteorological Office’s Chief Scientist Graham Levie refers to the Wall, as “Britain’s most critical tool in combating climate change and promoting natural weather cycles.”

Despite this, the Wall has fallen into disrepair as maintenance budgets have been continually slashed over the last few centuries and the importance of the Wall forgotten during the long periods of reasonable weather and successful economic growth.  Original construction of the Wall is thought to have started nearly 8,000 years ago, with many successive contributions made since then.  Constructed mostly of ice, the Wall is known to have once stood over 700 feet tall.  Today, scientists calculate the height of the wall at 280-315 feet tall at it’s heighest point.  “It is a shadow of it’s former self, caused by significant melting during the warmer years,” said Levie.

While scientists have not yet confirmed the exact causes of the continued cold weather plaguing much of the kingdom, they are confident it is primarily due to frigid air pouring over the once mighty Wall.

Emily Epstein, a climate researcher from Oxford knowledgeable on Wall related weather patterns stated, “It’s simple to see.  The Wall has melted to half its previous height and cold air from the north now easily comes over and is cooling down lands to the south.  The Night’s Watch [The National Wall Maintenance Service] has clearly failed us and I expect years of winter weather to beset the nation going forward.”

It’s unclear how long the cold weather will last, though predictions range wildly from several more days up to 8-years.  During the Prime Minister’s Question Time Wednesday, when asked about the nation’s preparedness for a long and enduring winter, David Cameron answered, “I don’t expect winter to carry on much longer.  But if it does, we have experts in the north who have endured long winters before to guide us.  In any event, we will shift greater resources up to the Wall to repair it and to reorganise the failing Nights Watch, such that it can continue to perform the services it ought to.”

Weather across the country continues to be grey and freezing, with snow forecasted across the south and windy winter conditions in the midlands and the north.

Power of Christ Still Mostly Fossil Fueled

Church continues to be responsible for negative impact on Earth

Church continues to be responsible for negative impact on Earth

Brussels –  It has been 2-years since the Catholic Church declared the much-lauded targets of carbon neutral Power of Christ by 2020.  However, with the imminent retirement of Pope Benedict, the policy’s greatest proponent, many environmentalists are concerned that the goals will be mired by inaction.

“The Church has been known to drag its feet on important issues from time to time,” said Kurt Simson, from the Sierra Club.  “But this is a global problem that won’t just affect us, it will affect our children!”  In 2010, Pope Benedict shocked many when he decreed the lofty goals of reducing the Church’s global carbon impact to net zero.  The implications of achieving this however, were not fully appreciated at the time. Then Arch Bishop John Gialigini explained, “Vatican city is fairly small and mostly candle lit, so it is clear the carbon reductions are going to have to come from our main emission; the Power of Christ.”

Two years on, with the Church in upheaval as the most environmentally conscious pope steps down, many are left to wonder what the global impact of the Church will be going forward.  “In Europe and North America, our drive toward renewable energy has been positive,” said Angelo DiArbiccio, the newly appointed Director of Sustainability for the Catholic Church.  “But our biggest growth markets continue to be in the developing world, where we have little choice but to propel the Power of Christ by any means possible, usually relying on diesel fuel and coal.

Despite positive sustainability efforts made in much of North America and Europe, the demand for the Power Of Christ has dropped off significantly in the last 3-years, negating any gains in carbon reduction the Church hoped to gain.  The International Panel for Climate Change (IPCC), which publishes an annual inventory of global carbon emissions by sector, is expected to identify Christianity as the largest greenhouse gas emitting religion per capita, with Roman Catholics at the top of the list.

“We know we still have a good product here, a great product, and we are going to continue to make it less harmful to the world,” said DiArbiccio.  “We think we can still make our 2020 targets, and God willing, we’ll do it.”

Cold Air in Northern Hemisphere Prompts Annual Global Warming Backlash

Winter and global warming: seemingly irreconcilable

Chicago – As the expected winter season approaches, with cold air already besetting much of the United States, a number of politicians and talking heads have begun the now annual tradition of balking at global warming.  Speaking from the frigid shore of Lake Michigan in Chicago, Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney stated, “On freezing cold days like today, you’ve gotta ask yourself what these so called ‘scientists’ are up to?  Where’s your global warming now?” The frozen smiles of onlookers confirmed Romney’s rhetoric.

The inverse relationship between temperature and anti-global warming sentiment has now become so reliable says Anika Pratt, Professor of social sciences at Cincinnati University, that “We can accurately predict and monitor winter weather patterns by statistically analysing anti-global warming sentiment in the media and social networks.”

Pratt’s team also analyse anti-global warming sentiment in twitter feeds from across the country.  “This data is akin to Groundhog’s day, for the start of Winter.  When #globalwarminghoax is trending, winter is here.”

Pratt added that Fox News, in particular Bill O’Reilly, has been the most accurate predictor of first snow in the US North-East.  “In the last 8 years, first snow fall in New York was almost always directly preceded by an O’Reilly diatribe against global warming.”  Her winter advice this year? When the politicians start to argue the existence of man-made warming, ready the salt and shovel.

Perception is Reality; Chinese Adapt to Climate Change by Redefining ‘Environment’

Beijing – The 2012 update to the Chinese Mandarin Dictionary, the official dictionary of the Peoples Republic of China was published earlier this week.  While annual updates to the dictionary usually occur without fanfare, this year’s updates include significant modifications not seen since the Government began producing the official publication in 1950.

Jennifer Zhang, an expert in Mandarin at Tufts University explained, “words such as water, air, sky and environment have all been significantly altered by new definitions”.

Zhang translated a number of these re-defined terms, highlighting the key changes that have been made.

Water is now defined as an ‘opaque liquid, which often has a slight odor and mild metallic taste.’

Air reads as, ‘a thick, white and hazy mixture of nitrogen, oxygen, and a myriad of other particulates and gases generated by strong economic growth’

Sky has been revised as, ‘the upper atmosphere of earth, characterised by its brown and orange hue in sunlight.’

Jared Wilks, a climate change specialist from the IPCC interviewed for this story characterized the definition changes as “a unique but as yet unproven approach to climate change adaption.”  Wilks added, “Whilst from a philosophical point of view I would say perception is reality, the IPCC does not condone such actions as particularly effective means of adaptation to environmental pollution”.

No officials from the Chinese embassy were available for comment.

Environmental Nihilist Group, Climate ChangeD, Describes Global Green Efforts as ‘Pointless’

 Logo of Climate ChangeD

New York – Facing dwindling membership and lack of leadership, the environmental organisation, Climate ChangeD, posted an open letter on its homepage today, stating that all operations would cease immediately.

We regret that after 2-years of running commentary highlighting the failures of climate change legislation, the ineffectiveness of global efforts to reduce emissions, and the likelihood that anything that humanity can muster as a solution will necessarily be pointless and in vain, we will cease our operations as an organisation.

A self-described Environmental group with a nihilist focus, Climate ChangeD members rarely organised rallies, staged protests or lobbied government.  Jacob Kan, Communications representative for Climate ChangeD said, “When we started this group, many of our members believed in fighting for a cleaner and decarbonised environment.  But 2-years on, we have become more nihilist and less environmentalist.  There’s just no point to this anymore.”

Jeremy Finster, a former member of the group stated, “When I joined Climate ChangeD, the organisation had drive.  But the more we realised how inconsequential any of our positive actions could be, even collectively, and once we started thinking on a universal timescale, considering life on the planet through the ages and the meaning of our own inconsequential existence; Well, we basically lost interest in environmental issues completely.”

Despite closing its doors as an organisation, Kan did believe there was value in the groups existence over the last few years.  “Many former members of Climate ChangeD were endlessly worried about the degrading state of the global climate.  But now, most have found  comfort in not caring.”

Airlines Lobby for Fatality Allowance in EU ETS

Fatal plane crashes may reduce the Carbon impact of air travel

Brussels – This week The American Airline lobby announced its innovative plan for the inclusion of fatal commercial airline incidences in the EU ETS as a means of generating additional ETS allowances for the responsible operator.

The European Emissions Trading Scheme (EU ETS) will include aviation starting in 2012. Airlines will have to surrender one ETS allowance per tonne of CO2 emitted on flights both in to and out from (and within) the EU. This applies to all commercial and non-commercial flights and applies no matter where an operator is based. 

Airlines, particularly those not based in the EU have been fighting against this inclusion since 2010, but the Commission has maintained that it will continue with the plans as previously set out.  However, airlines have now taken a decidedly new approach to the allowance system.  They are calling for the distribution of additional allowances in case of fatal incidences.  Ben Aker, a spokesperson for the American Airline lobby explains in more detail:

                “We reviewed the impact the average human has on the environment during their lifetime and concluded that in fact, the removal of a single human being from the planet can have significant CO2 reducing impacts”

In the Carbon for Carbon Plan, published by the lobby, a simple equation based on the nationality of the expired passenger is used to calculate the number of allowances to be generated per death following an airline crash.

Number of allowances per fatality:

(Ex – D) x (Cx)

Ex = Expected average life expectancy in country X

D = Age at death

Cx = Annual tonnes of CO2 per capita country X

Aker noted, “While we do all we can to ensure air travel safety, these types of tragedies do occur and it would only be fair for the EU ETS to capture the future Carbon savings associated with the losses of life that may occur in commercial airline crashes.”

The Commission will review the submitted plans and stated on its website that a decision would be made by early Autumn.

Pope: Power of Christ Carbon Neutral by 2020

IPCC finds Power of Christ destroying the planet

Rome- During his weekly address in St. Peter’s Square Wednesday, Pope Benedict XVI announced that the Power of Christ would be carbon neutral by 2020.  The announcement comes on the heels of the IPCC’s inclusion of religion in its greenhouse gas inventory.

Due to be published in late November, analysts expect the inventory report to identify Christianity as the largest greenhouse gas emitting religion per capita, with Roman Catholics at the top of the list.  In an effort to comply with EU 2020 targets, the Vatican has recognised the need to reduce its carbon emissions.

Arch Bishop John Gialigini explains, “Vatican city is fairly small and mostly candle lit, so it is clear the carbon reductions are going to have to come from our main emission; the Power of Christ.”

The vatican will publish a roadmap late this year outlining the path toward reducing emissions associated with visions and miracles.  “We know we have difficult work ahead of us on this, but it’s what Jesus would have done,” said Gialigini.

Climate Change Blamed for Shit Storm in Washington

Enormous Shit Storm Hits Washington

Washington– Schools were closed today, as a predicted but unexpectedly strong shit storm blew it’s way through Washington and the mid Atlantic.  Meteorologists are blaming climate change for the unusual ferocity and scale of the event.

“Shit storms are not at all uncommon here in Washington, but the large size and force of this one is unprecedented” said rare weather specialist James Adoniss.

Clean up is expected to continue for weeks despite crews working overtime.  With damage estimated in the hundreds of millions, the Obama administration has released emergency funding to help accelerate the recovery effort, but many democrats remain deeply displeased with the president.

“This shit storm has brought a lot of negative attention to Washington, and climate change has clearly made it worse for us [Democrats]” said Carl Jacobson, Democrat from Kentucky.  “How are we going to fair in mid-term elections with climate change driven shit storms like the one we just experienced?”

Historically, political infighting and party weakness have resulted after previous shit storms.  It would appear the Democratic party has been most affected by this event.  Most media outlets have highlighted both senate majority leader Harry Reid and President Obama’s political weakness during this powerful event.

Climate Alliance spokesperson Allison Kealey said, “It has literally been raining shit on Washington for the better part of a week and the Democrats continue to be unable to put a climate bill together.  It’s sad.”

The low pressure depression is expected to move out into the Atlantic overnight not affecting the North East directly, though meteorologists warn that rip tides and large waves are likely up the coast as the shit storm slowly degrades.

Ecuador holds Amazon for ransom, World to pay

A barrier and moat, patrolled by guards, have been constructed around the Ecuadorian Amazon.

Quito- In a bold attempt to use the Ecuadorian amazon rain forest for something useful, officials in Ecuador have decided to hold it for ransom, to the World.  Asking for £3.6 billion to not destroy their own pristine national park for oil extraction, environmental affairs director Alfredo Lopez said, “It is simple.  You pay us, and we don’t ravage the amazon”.

In 2007, the UN opened talks regarding Amazonian protection with Ecuadorian officials.  Notorious for their laziness and lack of work ethic, Ecuador saw the opportunity to use climate change concerns to their benefit.  “It would have been so much work and trouble to actually ruin the forest ourselves, and the money would have taken years to trickle through oil related business.  This agreement is much easier for us”, said Lopez.

The agreement has also gained the backing of many environmental organisations around the world.  “This really shows how powerful inaction can be”, said Diane Ronbik, Director of the DoNothing campaign.  “We have long said that doing less, in fact barely moving, is the best way to lower carbon footprints and therefore mitigate climate change.  The Ecuadorians have really taken our ethos on board”.

While not yet finalised, the ransom is expected to be paid to Ecuadorian authorities.  However, it remains unclear what future visiting rights the rest of the world will have to the region.