NHS to Expand Role of Sharing Economy

London – With the recent announcement of an AirBnB-type scheme for outpatients of NHS services, senior leaders are considering a full expansion of services to leverage on the growth of the sharing economy.  Businesses such as Deliveroo and Uber have proven that owning nothing and contracting out everything on a per use basis, is cheap, easy, and legal enough.

Gerald McMaster, a senior operations planner with the NHS said, “we are exploring how these business models could work for us. For example, instead of ambulances, patients would use a new Uber function we are trialing called Uber999, which allows drivers to make use of a siren and flashing blue lights to get to hospital faster.”

The NHS are exploring other innovative ways of working, including a move back to GP home visits, to cut down on the costs of keeping GP units open.  “If we look at the success of Deliveroo, people are increasingly seeking home delivery of everything – why should healthcare be any different. If we can get GP’s on their bicycles to deliver care at home, that’s a win-win. Fitter GP’s and less overhead costs” said McMaster.

Despite these innovations, the NHS is unlikely to meet budget constraints without further innovations. Anne Sherwarn an NHS innovation specialist, suggested that more cost saving ideas such as DIY healthcare delivered through YouTube videos and webinars were being developed. “You can sort a dislocated arm, stitch a wound or even support home child-birth with a well shot and edited video, so that’s something we are excited about developing.”

 

“Lost” Fans Called Upon to Aid With Malaysia Airlines Search

Kuala Lumpur – With few clues to work with and increasing pressure from families and Governments to find answers, investigators from Malaysia are now looking to the internet and ‘Lost’ fans for help.

“The similarities between flight MH370 and the first episodes of Lost are uncanny,” said Lee Kuna, a spokesperson for Malaysia Airlines. “Which is why we are asking all Lost fans to help in our search for the missing plane – and those onboard.” There are numerous islands near the location where the plane was last seen on radar, late Saturday evening. however, no signs of wreckage have been found by any of the numerous boats and planes scouring the search area.

Patrick Adney, a self-proclaimed mega-fan of Lost and owner of the fan website Lostjustthefacts.com said he welcomed the challenge. “As soon as the news broke on this incident I started thinking, oh my God, it’s happening, it’s episode one all over again. I’ve been on Google Earth since, trying to work out islands that could house DHARMA Initiative styled buildings and facilities. It’s exhausting but exciting.”

With still many questions and few answers, appeals to the public may grow in the coming days, as families and friends of those onboard flight 370 desperately wait for news.

David Blaine Considered a Suspect in Missing Malaysia Airlines Investigation

DBBeijing– As the investigation into the missing  Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 moved into its third day with still no clues as to what happened to the plane and its 239 passengers, officials have publicly announced several theories being actively pursued by local agencies. “We have three main theories right now; a catastrophic mechanical failure, terrorism, and – David Blaine. We can rule none of these out yet,” said a Malaysian official. Those with knowledge from within relevant agencies have said that David Blaine, famed American magician, illusionist and endurance artist – tops the list of most likely and capable of pulling off a feat of this scale.

“We have not released any additional suspect identities but will be working with relevant global agencies where necessary,” said Malaysian officials earlier today.  Blaine has been unreachable for comment, though sources including TMZ have indicated that he has been spotted as recently as last evening in New York City, where he lives.

Flight MH370 disappeared from radar while cruising at 35,000 feet, heading for Beijing Saturday night. There were no distress calls or known severe weather conditions to explain the incident, which continues to puzzle investigators. “As weird as it sounds – Blaine hasn’t had a special or big event in years, it really could explain alot here,” said one investigator with knowledge of the incident. Blaine has not yet been formally charged.

Public Left Wondering; Who Killed Trayvon Martin?

With George Zimmerman’s non-guilty verdict handed down by the court yesterday, many Americans are left wondering; Who killed Trayvon Martin?  Martin’s death by shooting in February last year left him in a permanent state of lifelessness, with family, friends and a nation wondering why. Now that the only known perpetrator in his death has been exonerated of murder, there is little left to do than ask average Americans to speculate wildly.

ID-10044402I’ve always subscribed to the Tupac theory in cases like this. I expect to see Trayvon a few years from now, probably on Law & Order or something. – Andy Jacobs, Accountant

 

 

ID-100168405I mean where is the gun in all of this? Surely that was the most responsible, don’t you think? -Whitney Frinsle, Baker

 

 

 

 

ID-10029092Well I guess only two people really saw what happened, and now we know one of them is totally innocent. So I guess, it was a suicide? – Jamie La Salle, Snake Fighter

 

 

 

photo:freedigitalimages.net

Greenpeace Activists Seek Arctic, Climb London’s Shard Instead

111111111London – At least 6 female activists are currently climbing London’s Shard in an attempt to save the Arctic from destruction by oil and gas drilling. The activists, who are thought to not fully understand that the Shard is a massive man-made structure in central London, intended to scale the building in order to protect the fragile Arctic environment. London police commented that, “We believe it is possible that the activist have become confused as to what is at the top of the Shard, perhaps from reading Jack and the Bean stalk or from too much exposure to the Harry Potter novels. It remains unclear.”

The Arctic, which has long been located at the northern most part of the planet, has been the subject of numerous climbing activities by Greenpeace, though rarely on location. Describing today’s heroic climb, the organisation stated, “If Shell, BP, Total and all the other oil and gas companies that intend to destroy the Arctic can’t hear us from down here at street level, they sure as shit will hear us from 310m up that mountain of glass!”

Wilford Brimley’s Horse Dies From Diabetes

Utah – The family of Wilford Brimley reported that Sweetness, Brimley’s beloved horse, had succumbed to her lifelong battle with diabetes early this morning. Brimley, who also suffers from the disease, has been the outspoken face of Liberty Medical, which supplies home testing equipment. Sweetness became famous from Brimley’s best-known diabetes commercials, in which she was featured. The family has released a short but emotional statement:

On July 2nd, one of our dearest family members, Sweetness, passed away quietly in her sleep after 15-years with equine diabetes. She is survived by her love Wilford and the rest of the Brimley family and will be dearly missed.

The battle against diabetes, correctly pronounced die-a-beet-us, or just beetus, was made famous by Brimley’s intense, character driven commercials made famous during continuous mid-day airplay during shows such as The Price is Right and re-runs of the Golden Girls.

The family provided the tribute video below, in memory of Sweetness.

Queen Elizabeth II Still Alive

London – Following her normal morning routine of an early breakfast, reading the news and high intensity hide-and-seek, the Queen continues to be alive and well. Despite no rumours of ill-health, fatigue or sickness, a Royal spokesperson assured the public that the Queen has absolutely not died. But some argue that this news has not been made public enough.

Arnold Watterlen, a Royal historian who publishes a daily blog tracking if the Queen has died yet said, “I don’t think everyone is totally aware that she’s still alive. She’s been around so long I think people assume she’s passed on.” Watterlen believes that there should be far more weekly if not daily fanfare around the Queen, to keep her public and relevant.  Suggesting events such as the recent Diamond Jubilee, Watterlen said, “Events like that, but more often, would be a great way to get the message out; ‘I’m still alive!'”

Update: Yes, it has been confirmed as of this afternoon, the Queen is fully mobile and still definitely alive.