Study Confirms Professional Sports Cure Homosexuality

A study released by the Christian Organization for Cures and Kinship, has suggested that professional sports players are nearly all heterosexual as a result of spending the majority of their lives in highly active and closely knit all-male groups of athletes. The findings are being used by the group as well as other rehabilitation groups across the United States, to promote team sports as a way of ‘curing’ homosexuality.

The lead author of the study, Mark Herpsis said, “The study was rigorous and thoughtful. We looked at the NBA, MLB, NHL, NFL, college sports, international rugby and even Soccer, yea I know- Soccer, like the gayest sport ever, and you know what we found? Just about no traces of homosexuality. So it was clear to us, organized team sport either cures or keeps the symptoms of homosexuality under control.” The findings of the study, which were published earlier this month, have sparked off a considerable amount of controversy from gay rights groups internationally.

“This is absolute nonsense. Homosexuality is not a choice or an affliction! We believe this study flies in the face of reality and is total bullshit,” said Jeremy Jackson, leader of the Gay Rights Union and an openly non-professional sports player.

Despite angry reactions to the study as well as condemnation from numerous social scientists, the facts of the study do show that less than 1% of professional athletes are openly gay. “And that’s what is the real crux of our findings here. We have to continue with this work because there is something to it, this isn’t by accident,” added Herpsis.

Murray Likes Odds of Wimbledon Final Against Not Anyone Too Good

London –  With the Men’s quarterfinals just a day away and a continuous stream of upsets for top players, Andy Murray is looking to break the long-standing moratorium on a British win at Wimbledon. With so many top seed players already out of the tournament, betting house Odds4U is predicting a Wimbledon final between Andy Murray and someone not too amazing. “Obviously if Djokovic makes it through, we’ll eat our hats and start hoping for a British win next year, but the odds are looking that Murray will probably play against some guy who’s average” said Andrew Alyster from Odds4U.

Facing the best chances for a British win at Wimbledon since 1936, Murray said, “I just need to get through the quarters right now, and you know, keep praying that everyone else keeps on fucking up. Going well so far.” His hopes mirror those of the country as Wimbledon continues to shed players whose name’s people know.