Feelings of Elation Muted, as Realization Sets in That Manager is in Fact Not Choking to Death

Bridgewater – Monday afternoon could have been what some have described in this call centre as, “a brilliant start to the week.” But for the unlucky fourth floor, Brian Baxter, a manager of more than 7-years here at Walley-Waxton Outsourcing Centre, had not completely choked to death during his lunch break. “I’d seen him go red in the face, his usual vitriolic and minorly racist banter had quieted,” said Darlein Hurst, a receptionist. “No one moved, but he was clearly choking on something.”

Medics called to the scene described the event as a near-miss, stating that Mr. Baxter, a deeply disdained manager at the organisation, had choked on a piece of chicken bone, caused by eating and talking at the same time. “We see these cases from time to time,” said medic Andrew Wilt, “but I’ve never seen a case where not one single person even attempted to help the victim… Mr. Baxter was lucky today.”

The afternoon was described as more dull and difficult than a typical Monday as word spread that Mr. Baxter nearly but not successfully choked to death, and would likely not miss more than a day of work.

Ed Harris Looking Forward to Inevitable Casting as Putin

Screen Shot 2014-03-03 at 10.20.42 PMHollywood – As tensions rise between Russia and the West, studios in Hollywood are already clamoring to begin production on what few scripts still abound with any relevance, pitting the United States against Russia in a wartime setting. “Putin has always made for an incredible living villain,” said Daniel Swchartzman, a producer with 20th Century Fox. “But cold war films haven’t been relevant for years and Russia just hasn’t mattered for a while in our industry.”

The sudden change in global politics has caught most in the film industry by surprise, from writers to producers, few if any have any material prepared to entertain audiences later this year or next with thrillers between the two great world powers. But few in Hollywood have any doubt as to who will be the most sought after actor of 2014. “Ed Harris!” shouted Harvey Weinstein, through a wheezing laugh. “He’s probably practicing martial arts and tiger training right now preparing for what will be the role of a life time for him,” he said. Bart Epstein, Ed Harris’s agent said, “My phone has been ringing non-stop for the past two weeks. Literally everyone in this damn town wants Ed for Putin – Films are being written up a dozen at a time, I don’t even have time to skim the things.”  Many industry insiders are predicting a number of films to be out by 2015 with themes of Russia v. West. “But only one is going to have Ed!” said Weinstein.