4D Printer Accidentally Unveiled at New York’s 1964 World’s Fair

New York – The MIT Future Labs consortium is claiming responsibility for what is being described as a “lapse in time continuity” that is thought to have occurred sometime in mid May, according to affidavits released today. The consortium, which was scheduled to make a major announcement regarding new and unprecedented technology on June 17th, abruptly cancelled the event without explanation. It is rumored that the team of world-class scientists had developed a 4D printer, technology similar to the burgeoning 3D technology commercially available today. In the complaint filed on behalf of Time Printing Inc., lawyers argue that images and descriptions matching an advanced piece of modern technology have surfaced in documentation regarding the 1964 New York City World’s Fair.

“There is evidence that a device about the size of a refrigerator, clearly modern in design and material, is featured in a number of articles and images from the 1964 World’s Fair, touting it as technology from the future,” said Mark Roenthal a World’s Fair historian, who noticed changes to some images in his personal collection of World’s Fair materials. MIT issued a brief statement that, “At this time we have appeared to accidentally have breached the space-time continuum with a device that was created to print 3D objects quickly. We believe we underestimated our genius and accidentally invented time travel.”

The actions of the 4D printer are not thought to have had an impact on history, however leading time scientist Doc Brown excitedly stated, “the event could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum, and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that’s a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.”

Wilford Brimley’s Horse Dies From Diabetes

Utah – The family of Wilford Brimley reported that Sweetness, Brimley’s beloved horse, had succumbed to her lifelong battle with diabetes early this morning. Brimley, who also suffers from the disease, has been the outspoken face of Liberty Medical, which supplies home testing equipment. Sweetness became famous from Brimley’s best-known diabetes commercials, in which she was featured. The family has released a short but emotional statement:

On July 2nd, one of our dearest family members, Sweetness, passed away quietly in her sleep after 15-years with equine diabetes. She is survived by her love Wilford and the rest of the Brimley family and will be dearly missed.

The battle against diabetes, correctly pronounced die-a-beet-us, or just beetus, was made famous by Brimley’s intense, character driven commercials made famous during continuous mid-day airplay during shows such as The Price is Right and re-runs of the Golden Girls.

The family provided the tribute video below, in memory of Sweetness.

Murray Likes Odds of Wimbledon Final Against Not Anyone Too Good

London –  With the Men’s quarterfinals just a day away and a continuous stream of upsets for top players, Andy Murray is looking to break the long-standing moratorium on a British win at Wimbledon. With so many top seed players already out of the tournament, betting house Odds4U is predicting a Wimbledon final between Andy Murray and someone not too amazing. “Obviously if Djokovic makes it through, we’ll eat our hats and start hoping for a British win next year, but the odds are looking that Murray will probably play against some guy who’s average” said Andrew Alyster from Odds4U.

Facing the best chances for a British win at Wimbledon since 1936, Murray said, “I just need to get through the quarters right now, and you know, keep praying that everyone else keeps on fucking up. Going well so far.” His hopes mirror those of the country as Wimbledon continues to shed players whose name’s people know.

NSA Launches National Email Backup Service

Washington DC – Following weeks of concern and speculation over the reasoning behind secret government programs in which the NSA is believed to have collected large amounts of data on email and internet usage from Americans, the NSA is reporting that the work was a part of a new national email backup service called Track & Trace. “It was and still is meant to be our crowning achievement in adding to the free basic services all Americans should have access to in this country like education not including college, and healthcare emergency services only,” said Erol Fides, spokesperson for the organization.

What began as a program under the Bush administration and carried on through Obama’s, the NSA will publicly launch what it describes as a “massive overhaul of the public internet system with unprecedented save and recovery abilities for email, internet history and transactions.”

While a user friendly product is not expected to be largely available before 2014, the NSA will continue to retain as much data as possible from all Americans using the internet, with the goal of increasing to full 100% coverage by 2020. “You will never accidentally delete an email, clear your browsing history or lose track of transaction ever again. We’ll always have an eye out for you” stated Fides with a wide smile.

Obama Looking Forward To New Career With Allstate

Allstate insurance has announced that Barack Obama will be its new spokesperson starting in early 2017. Obama will be the second African-American president to promote the Allstate insurance brand, following President David Palmer’s 5-year stint as lead spokesperson. President Obama confirmed the news during a press conference from the White House rose garden saying, “I look forward to finally being able to promote insurance for Americans in a clear and understandable way, without all the noise of Washington. Your car, your home, your retirement. Now I can really help average Americans.”

The CEO of the Allstate Insurance Group, Robert Feldman said, “Here at Allstate we are all about diversity. Mr. Obama will be a welcomed addition to our family.” The president is expected to earn a large but undisclosed sum his services and is said to be excited about his future with the company.

Atheists Devastated By Cancellation of Pope’s Salvation Option

Just days after laying out a simple but provocative plan to offer salvation for Atheists, the Vatican is backtracking on the now famous remarks made by the Pope. On May 22nd, Pope Francis publicly decreed that “even the atheists,” have been redeemed “with the Blood of Christ,” statements that resonated deeply with Atheists around the world. David Greenwall, head of Atheists United based in New York responded, “This was great news from the Vatican. Many of our members are often worried, even terrified that they should have blindly followed the teachings of the church just-in-case, and this really offered a clear Plan B for us, you know, just-in-case.”

By early Tuesday, thousands of Atheists from all over the world had begun lining up outside of the gates of Vatican City awaiting the possibility of a quick salvation, with many carrying extensive documentation of the good they had done throughout their lives. “We were just so moved by the Pope’s change in policy,” said one Atheist who had come down from Germany. But by midday, with an untold number of heathens amassing in the streets, security forces were called to disperse the crowds. “No one knew why we were being told to leave, it got really chaotic,” said Emma Grig, a salvation seeking Atheist from Norway. By late afternoon it was clear why the crowds were moved. The offer of salvation to Atheists had been cancelled.

In an amendment to the Pope’s earlier statements, Vatican spokesperson Rev. Thomas Rosica provided written public comments. “All salvation comes from Christ, the Head, through the Church which is his body. Hence they cannot be saved who, knowing the Church as founded by Christ and necessary for salvation, would refuse to enter her or remain in her.”

The retraction came as a shock to most Atheists, many of whom closely follow the Pope on social media and keep up with changes to Catholic policies. When reached by phone late last night David Greenwall reacted, “The lord really does give and take away. Our organization is going to carry on despite this, focusing on our core teachings and beliefs in non-belief. Something tells me it’s for the best.”

Having caused such a raucous with his words, the Pope is expected to remain quiet in the coming weeks before summer to relax and mend the damage to his infallibility.

Ben Ghazi Just Wants His Old Life Back

Delaware – It was late in the evening on September 11th, 2012 when Amy Ghazi was startled by a phone call from a close family friend. “She told me to put on the news immediately. She was frantically asking if Benjamin, my father, was alright. I was really worried.” By the time Amy turned on her television all of the news stations were carrying the same headline, Benghazi had been violently attacked. “At first I was terrified, there was a burning car and headlines scrolling about a deadly attack. I was thinking, oh my god is dad OK?” Fortunately for the Ghazi’s they were not under attack that evening, but the relentless media attention on Benghazi has since brought a spate of confusion and daily annoyance for Mr. Ghazi, now 79. 

“Every day I’m explaining to my friends at the home that I’m fine, the news is not about me, but they all watch the Fox news all day you know,” explained Ben Ghazi. Mr. Ghazi lives in the Cherry Hill Retirement home, not far from his daughter in Wilmington where he spent most of his life. A dockyard worker, Vietnam veteran and outspoken democrat, Ben Ghazi proudly says that he voted for Obama in both elections. “I am really for Obama, so during the elections I even made signs and stickers, ‘Ben Ghazi Loves Obama!’ No one would wear them!”

With the scandal regarding the administration’s actions in Benghazi, Libya heating up once again, Ben Ghazi says he has stopped watching television and reading the papers altogether. “If I see my name in another headline, I swear I will literally explode,” warned Mr. Ghazi, visibly emotional. For now Mr. Ghazi is looking forward to the summer and his 80th birthday in July. When asked if there was anything he wanted to publicly clarify, Mr. Ghazi simply stated, “Yea. I’m Ben Ghazi, and I just want my old life back!”

Photo: David Shanckbone

 

Heartbroken 14-Year Old Girls Can Finally Enjoy Daft Punk’s Get Lucky

Seeing a gap in the market of downbeat breakup songs for over emotional teens, Daughter has finally re-mixed Daft Punk’s Get Lucky from an upbeat disco-pop track to one reminiscent of Tory Amos having a very bad day.

“I just felt like the original track was too happy. How the hell can you self-harm in a dimly room with tears pouring down your face when Pharrell sounds so…chipper?” explained Daughter. The newly remixed song is available below, though we recommend you not listen to this unless you are in a reasonably positive mood.

Trickle-Down Positivity Expected As Sentiments of Wealthy Reach 10-Year High

The sentiments of employed affluent people across the US and Europe have reached a 10-year high, polling shows. With the Dow Jones and NASDAQ up for the fourth week in a row and high-end real estate development booming, nearly all incredibly rich and well-employed consumers are spending more than ever and feeling positive about everything. The Pew Research Center found that 92% of people polled with an annual income of $1 million or more were “Very upbeat about the future”, “Planning multiple exotic holidays”, and felt that “Taxes were too high and benefits over zealous, needing serious government cutback”.

“It’s about time someone feels good in this country,” said Harold Worthstein, a broker on Wall Street speaking from his downtown office. “It works like this,  when we [affluent people] do well and feel good, that positive energy trickles down through society. We get happy about the stock market, stocks go up. We feel good about life and the future, we hire more, give bigger bonuses and smile a lot, spreading the wealth of happiness.”

The trickle-down theory has long been theorized and disproven by economists, but social scientists are now reconsidering the theory in terms of overall social sentiments. “It is true that when one is surrounded by more happy people, they themselves feel better,” said Jennifer Floust an expert on group behavior. While it has not been studied yet, Ms. Floust and her colleagues believe that it may be plausible for one part of society to be so happy and content that it transfers positive sentiments to other parts of the society.

Given the levels of happiness that the world’s super rich are reporting, it may not be long before some positivity makes its way down to average, hard-working Americans and Europeans. “I would suggest that we simply wait and see, it might just work” added Floust.

Man Without Gag Reflex Buys Nude Bea Arthur Painting

New York – After 22 years of being hidden from public view, a nude painting of Bea Arthur was sold at auction for $1.9 million. The painting was expected to go for $2.5 million, but a contagious fit of vomiting erupted on the bidding floor when the painting was unveiled, allowing a single anonymous phone bidder to nab the painting at a bargain price. Painted by John Currin, the portrait was a part of Currin’s “acrid fantasy portraits of menopausal women” series,  which includes nude portraits of Barbera Walters straddling a white horse, Judi Dench spread eagle in a field of wheat and a photorealistic close up of Joan rivers’ face.

Anna Dempsey an art critic from The New Yorker described the work as, “one of the most provocative paintings of an old, enormous and unattractive woman. It’s inspired by its very disdain for beauty.” It’s expected that Currin’s other works will be up for auction later this year, revealing the full atrocity of his nude series. Following the days unfortunate group retching, all future bids on Currin’s painting will be by phone only.