Study Confirms Professional Sports Cure Homosexuality

A study released by the Christian Organization for Cures and Kinship, has suggested that professional sports players are nearly all heterosexual as a result of spending the majority of their lives in highly active and closely knit all-male groups of athletes. The findings are being used by the group as well as other rehabilitation groups across the United States, to promote team sports as a way of ‘curing’ homosexuality.

The lead author of the study, Mark Herpsis said, “The study was rigorous and thoughtful. We looked at the NBA, MLB, NHL, NFL, college sports, international rugby and even Soccer, yea I know- Soccer, like the gayest sport ever, and you know what we found? Just about no traces of homosexuality. So it was clear to us, organized team sport either cures or keeps the symptoms of homosexuality under control.” The findings of the study, which were published earlier this month, have sparked off a considerable amount of controversy from gay rights groups internationally.

“This is absolute nonsense. Homosexuality is not a choice or an affliction! We believe this study flies in the face of reality and is total bullshit,” said Jeremy Jackson, leader of the Gay Rights Union and an openly non-professional sports player.

Despite angry reactions to the study as well as condemnation from numerous social scientists, the facts of the study do show that less than 1% of professional athletes are openly gay. “And that’s what is the real crux of our findings here. We have to continue with this work because there is something to it, this isn’t by accident,” added Herpsis.