“Lost” Fans Called Upon to Aid With Malaysia Airlines Search

Kuala Lumpur – With few clues to work with and increasing pressure from families and Governments to find answers, investigators from Malaysia are now looking to the internet and ‘Lost’ fans for help.

“The similarities between flight MH370 and the first episodes of Lost are uncanny,” said Lee Kuna, a spokesperson for Malaysia Airlines. “Which is why we are asking all Lost fans to help in our search for the missing plane – and those onboard.” There are numerous islands near the location where the plane was last seen on radar, late Saturday evening. however, no signs of wreckage have been found by any of the numerous boats and planes scouring the search area.

Patrick Adney, a self-proclaimed mega-fan of Lost and owner of the fan website Lostjustthefacts.com said he welcomed the challenge. “As soon as the news broke on this incident I started thinking, oh my God, it’s happening, it’s episode one all over again. I’ve been on Google Earth since, trying to work out islands that could house DHARMA Initiative styled buildings and facilities. It’s exhausting but exciting.”

With still many questions and few answers, appeals to the public may grow in the coming days, as families and friends of those onboard flight 370 desperately wait for news.

Ben Ghazi Just Wants His Old Life Back

Delaware – It was late in the evening on September 11th, 2012 when Amy Ghazi was startled by a phone call from a close family friend. “She told me to put on the news immediately. She was frantically asking if Benjamin, my father, was alright. I was really worried.” By the time Amy turned on her television all of the news stations were carrying the same headline, Benghazi had been violently attacked. “At first I was terrified, there was a burning car and headlines scrolling about a deadly attack. I was thinking, oh my god is dad OK?” Fortunately for the Ghazi’s they were not under attack that evening, but the relentless media attention on Benghazi has since brought a spate of confusion and daily annoyance for Mr. Ghazi, now 79. 

“Every day I’m explaining to my friends at the home that I’m fine, the news is not about me, but they all watch the Fox news all day you know,” explained Ben Ghazi. Mr. Ghazi lives in the Cherry Hill Retirement home, not far from his daughter in Wilmington where he spent most of his life. A dockyard worker, Vietnam veteran and outspoken democrat, Ben Ghazi proudly says that he voted for Obama in both elections. “I am really for Obama, so during the elections I even made signs and stickers, ‘Ben Ghazi Loves Obama!’ No one would wear them!”

With the scandal regarding the administration’s actions in Benghazi, Libya heating up once again, Ben Ghazi says he has stopped watching television and reading the papers altogether. “If I see my name in another headline, I swear I will literally explode,” warned Mr. Ghazi, visibly emotional. For now Mr. Ghazi is looking forward to the summer and his 80th birthday in July. When asked if there was anything he wanted to publicly clarify, Mr. Ghazi simply stated, “Yea. I’m Ben Ghazi, and I just want my old life back!”

Photo: David Shanckbone


For Sale: Cleveland Home With Unique History And Spacious Basement

Cleveland, Ohio – A Cleveland area home located at 2207 Seymour street is likely to hit the lukewarm housing market later this month. Tucked into a quiet neighborhood with unobtrusive residents, the 2-story colonial-styled home boasts a large backyard, new siding and a large, well-insulated basement. Estate agent Jeremy Munroe describes the subterranean level as, “the real feature of the house. The basement spans the entire footprint of the home and is insulated against sound, moisture and escape. There are numerous hooks, latches and anchor points throughout for attaching and hanging items that must be restrained for long periods of time.”

The house has garnered a great amount of attention ever since three females were discovered being held hostage in the residence for over a decade. “Most homes in the neighborhood just don’t have the character and history this house has,” added Munroe. It’s that national attention that is expected to drive a quick sale on the property, which will likely fetch an above average price.

Queen Elizabeth II Still Alive

London – Following her normal morning routine of an early breakfast, reading the news and high intensity hide-and-seek, the Queen continues to be alive and well. Despite no rumours of ill-health, fatigue or sickness, a Royal spokesperson assured the public that the Queen has absolutely not died. But some argue that this news has not been made public enough.

Arnold Watterlen, a Royal historian who publishes a daily blog tracking if the Queen has died yet said, “I don’t think everyone is totally aware that she’s still alive. She’s been around so long I think people assume she’s passed on.” Watterlen believes that there should be far more weekly if not daily fanfare around the Queen, to keep her public and relevant.  Suggesting events such as the recent Diamond Jubilee, Watterlen said, “Events like that, but more often, would be a great way to get the message out; ‘I’m still alive!'”

Update: Yes, it has been confirmed as of this afternoon, the Queen is fully mobile and still definitely alive.

Kim Jong-un Demands Sequel to “Team America: World Police”

Seoul –  In a statement early Friday, the increasingly erratic supreme leader of North Korea demanded that the famed co-creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, “deliver the sequel to ‘Team America’, the film that foresaw the death of my father.”  The threatening demand by Kim Jong-un continued, warning of violence and destruction if the film was not delivered immediately.

A spokesperson for Parker and Stone said, “There have never been plans to write a sequel to the film, and therefore there is nothing that we can provide unfortunately.”  The strange demand follows weeks of posturing and increasingly provocative behavior from Kim Jong-un.  Analysts from the popular torrent website Torrentz.com, found that in the past 3 months, “Team America: World Police” has been downloaded in Pyongyang over 25,000 times to IP addresses known to reside in government buildings.

Prof. Adam Harkley, an expert on North Korean society from the University of Toronto theorized that, “Given the potentially prescriptive nature of the original film [in the eyes of Kim Jong-un] it may be seen that a sequel film could help him figure out what to do next, or provide some perspective.”  The film, produced in 2004, featured the late Kim Jong-il as the lead villain and predicted his death. The film went on to gross $50 million globally.

“Kim Jong-un may have hoped that a sequel could provide him some guidance on what to do next, or at the very least help promote his villain status,” added Harkley.

Despite not being able to deliver any material to North Korea, Parker and Stone did have some encouraging words for the leader.  Early today their production company website read, “Follow your heart Kim Jong-un, and even though you may find yourself alone in this world, try not to get too lonely.”